I have been sitting here thinking for the past couple hours and its amazing what you can come to realize if you just listen to yourself. I have been rather sad lately, I haven't been able to pinprick the exact reason. I think I have just been super worried and filled with fear. I have been scared to death that Dj will leave me, just like all the other guys in my past. That thought alone brings me to tears. I have no reason to believe this but, I never had a reason to believe the other guys would leave either. I think the most fear comes from the fact that I have never truly liked someone and cared for someone as deeply as I care for DJ.
This sucks!!
I know I am not being fair... I also hate burdening people with my crap... I am afraid that since he has been hanging out with his friend who just broke up with his girl (horrible story if you ask me.... poor guy :-( ) that he will transfer all this "girls are evil" stuff to me and look at all my flaws and see that he could do so much better. So my desire to be happy and act like everything is fine around him drove away logic and fairness and openess, again, not so fair. I have never been so afraid in my life. It's amazing what caring for a person can do to someone...
My whole reason for posting and putting out in the open all my fears for EVERYONE to read is to get myself to be able to tell people what the hell is going on in my head. I keep thinking I am this open book and tell people everything but thats all lies. So far my therapist is the only one who I truly openly tell everything too! She is probably the only person I have told stuff too and openly cried in front of. If I truly want to be in a healthy open relationship I have got to get past this fear of telling people about my sadness and fears. Sometimes taking care of me is not so bad... right?
This will not be easy...
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